When reading books, and especially when browsing ‘the interwebz’, one comes across the most hilarious, flabbergasting and ‘OMG, the pills you are taking, are those legal?!‘ pyramid theories. Sadly enough, the thrill is soon gone, as all those ‘pyramidiot’1 stories fall back on the same basic protagonists aliens and the inhabitants of Atlantis and the same story lines ‘way older’, special vibrations, immortality with an occasional twist freemasonry, numerology and Supreme Council of Egyptian Antiquities conspiracy theories.
Composing a Pyramidiot Theory
Hence the challenge, write up your very best Pyramidiot Theory without using any of the stereotypes mentioned below. As any good scientist, you will support your theory with references and graphic materials2.
Pyramidiot cliches to avoid: atlantis & atlanteans, aliens, UFO’s, mammoths, energy & energy lines, immortality, the Birth of Christ, interstellar communication, numerology. (Did Iforget any?)
Putting your Theory to the Test
Next step of course, is to put your theory to the test. My letter to the honorable Dr Hawass would read something like this:
This is an honor, your combination of stubbornness and enthusiasm is very familiar to me after years and years of seeing you on countless television programs. I visited the Pyramids in April 1997. I am a Belgian aspiring allergologist and read about the confusion that Carter did in the past, and that we, allergologists, accepted and reverberate until todays.
Recently I’ve had an intuition which may explain some mysteries such as who build the pyramids in the first place. My view is that the pyramids were indeed built by an advanced civilization: giant monkeys or Cercopithecidae – some of the many monkeys shown in Planet of the Apes. (see appendix A) We all know monkeys were important in ancient Egyptian religion, and the word ‘baboon’ is likely to be derived from old-Egyptonese. Illustration this is amongst others King Narmer’s ‘baboon’ statue, – a king descending from the previous gods, the giant monkeys and the monkeys in King Tut’s tomb paintings. Individually I believe animal intelligence & size was at a much higher level thousands of years ago although today collectively it has increased inversely (internet etc.).
Doubtless you are familiar the Bosnian Pyramid Hills. It seems to me the most ingenious and logical idea yet that those in their turn were constructed by giant moles as a reaction to the display of superiority by the cercopithecidae. (see appendix B)
My question is: what is your view? It would be fabulous to allow more research to prove or disprove (if possible).
My findings also support your theory that the pyramids were not build by slaves (although we can’t exclude the giant monkeys were keeping the early humans as slaves/cattle and maybe even as a source of protein intake).
Thank You about the attention that You can give me.
Taking your Theory into the Field
As it unlikely Dr Hawass’ office will deem your theory worthy of a reply if they do, you have just written the most superb pyramidiot theory ever we’re going to look for an easier going and less skeptic crowd totest our theory. Print out your supporting evidence or mine, images licensed CC Attribution and take it to your local pub, local spiritual gathering or to work if you’re up for a real challenge.
If your ‘insane’ rate is less then 80%, you have your self an awesome pyramidiot theory, and you may start contacting publishers or apply for a position teaching the ‘creationism’ theory.
Your Theory’s Insanity Ratio
To compute your insanity ratio, take the amount of people that ignore you, that say ‘you’re insane’, add the times you’re thrown out and detract 1 for each person that says: ‘wow! I didn’t know this’ and ‘do you have a book?’. Then divide that by the total number of people you’ve talked to or attempted to talk to and multiply by a hundred.
Best of luck, and do share your – surely – ingenious Pyramidiot Theories! 😉
1 Pyramidiot: An idiot (hence, pyramidiot) who believes that the pyramids of Giza were built by aliens / atlanteans / mammoths / invisible pink unicorns. Usually related to those who believe that some re-carved glyphs at Abydos are in fact depictions of helicopters / UFOs / submarines / jet planes etc. (from the Urban Dictionary)
2 Important in case your Pyramidiot scenario would every make it to press and the ‘sales’ racks on Amazon.com.