How To Construct Your Very Own Pyramidiot Theory and Put it to the Test
When reading books, and especially when browsing 'the interwebz', one comes across the most hilarious, flabbergasting and 'OMG, the pills you are taking, are those legal?!' pyramid theories. Sadly enough, the thrill is soon gone, as all those 'pyramidiot'1 stories fall back on the same basic protagonists – aliens and the inhabitants of Atlantis – and the same story lines – 'way older', special vibrations, immortality with an occasional twist – freemasonry, numerology and Supreme Council of Egyptian Antiquities conspiracy theories.
Composing a Pyramidiot Theory
Hence the challenge, write up your very best Pyramidiot Theory without using any of the stereotypes mentioned below. As any good scientist, you will support your theory with references and graphic materials2.
Pyramidiot clichées to avoid: atlantis & atlanteans, aliens, UFO's, mammoths, energy & energy lines, immortality, the Birth of Christ, interstellar communication, numerology. (Did I forget any?)
Putting your Theory to the Test
Next step of course, is to put your theory to the test. My letter to the honorable Dr Hawass would read something like this:
Dear Dr Hawass,
This is an honor, your combination of stubbornness and enthusiasm is very familiar to me after years and years of seeing you on countless television programs. I visited the Pyramids in April 1997. I am a Belgian aspiring allergologist and read about the confusion that Carter did in the past, and that we, allergologists, accepted and reverberate until todays.
Recently I've had an intuition which may explain some mysteries such as who build the pyramids in the first place. My view is that the pyramids were indeed built by an advanced civilization: giant monkeys or Cercopithecidae - some of the many monkeys shown in Planet of the Apes. (see appendix A) We all know monkeys were important in ancient Egyptian religion, and the word 'baboon' is likely to be derived from old-Egyptonese. Illustration this is amongst others King Narmer's 'baboon' statue, - a king descending from the previous gods, the giant monkeys – and the monkeys in King Tut's tomb paintings. Individually I believe animal intelligence & size was at a much higher level thousands of years ago although today collectively it has increased inversely (internet etc.).
Doubtless you are familiar the Bosnian Pyramid Hills. It seems to me the most ingenious and logical idea yet that those in their turn were constructed by giant moles as a reaction to the display of superiority by the cercopithecidae. (see appendix B)
My question is: what is your view? It would be fabulous to allow more research to prove or disprove (if possible).
My findings also support your theory that the pyramids were not build by slaves (although we can't exclude the giant monkeys were keeping the early humans as slaves/cattle and maybe even as a source of protein intake).
Thank You about the attention that You can give me.
Ann
Taking your Theory into the Field
As it unlikely Dr Hawass' office will deem your theory worthy of a reply – if they do, you have just written the most superb pyramidiot theory ever – we're going to look for an easier going and less skeptic crowd to test our theory. Print out your supporting evidence – or mine, images licensed CC Attribution – and take it to your local pub, local spiritual gathering or to work if you're up for a real challenge.
If your 'insane' rate is less then 80%, you have your self an awesome pyramidiot theory, and you may start contacting publishers or apply for a position teaching the 'creationism' theory.
Your Theory's Insanity Ratio
To compute your insanity ratio, take the amount of people that ignore you, that say 'you're insane', add the times you're thrown out and detract 1 for each person that says: 'wow! I didn't know this' and 'do you have a book?'. Then divide that by the total number of people you've talked to – or attempted to talk to – and multiply by a hundred.
Best of luck, and do share your - surely - ingenious Pyramidiot Theories! ;)
1 Pyramidiot: An idiot (hence, pyramidiot) who believes that the pyramids of Giza were built by aliens / atlanteans / mammoths / invisible pink unicorns. Usually related to those who believe that some re-carved glyphs at Abydos are in fact depictions of helicopters / UFOs / submarines / jet planes etc. (from the Urban Dictionary)
2 Important in case your Pyramidiot scenario would every make it to press and the 'sales' racks on Amazon.com.
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Comments
Dr. Zaius: "Ah, yes - the young ape with a shovel. I hear you're planning another archeological expedition. Cornelius, a friendly word of warning: as you dig for artifacts, be sure you don't bury your reputation."
It all makes sense, now...
Get your tinfoil hats here! Can't tell the Illuminate from the Mindslaves without a gen-u-ine tinfoil hat! Step up, Sir! Don't want your thoughts hanging out in the open where anyone can read them, do you?
I've always contended that the pyramids were built by vast armies of trained dung beetles, which would also explain Egyptian Scarab worship. (Hey, some ancient religions believed that beetles created the world; pyramids are small change in comparison.) ;-)
I personally believe there's a God that made everything... zapped everything together and let evolution take hold... Why? I don't know... entertainment? Must be pretty boring being an omnipotent being in the universe... and if we're bad people... we reincarnate as insects because that seems more scary than hellfire and brimstone. I also think that all religions are correct to an extent... including the vainglorious construction of pyramids. Not only an homage to religion but sure was trendy too.
I think that the Great Pyramid built itself. I think that it started out as a hillock of stone that took a deep breath and drew perfectly fitted blocks to itself, achieving its shape by sheer force of will.
Another possibility is that it was built in the 70's by the Egyptian tourist authority, who have since managed to convince us that it was there all along.
So many lovely and adoring totally insane theories to choose from! :d I would think you'd definitely get people to believe the Egyptian tourist authority conspirary, especially if you target the 'no man on the moon' crowd. :)
As somebody who grew up with Lego, my theory was that the Pyramids were build as there was a huge abundance of rectangular blocks just lying around, and some guy decided to have a little fun with them and pile them on top of each other.
Of course, gravity being what it is, the huge pile of blocks soon toppled over and came crashing to the Earth.
Now boys will be boys, and love nothing more than a sporting bet. So one guy challenges another to make a taller pile of rocks, and so forth the Pyramids were born - coming forth from man's desire to get one over his fellow man.
Then somebody noticed that all the valuable treasures they'd stored inside for safekeeping were suddenly inaccessible because nobody thought to put a door in!
And that is my theory on how the Pyramids came into being.
Careful examination of some of the earliest archaeological data available has led my cousin Rational to develop his own personal theory of recursive polyhedra. He claims in his manuscript, currently in a process of peer review, that all of the Pyramids that we find across the world were in fact created by smaller pyramids, and that the largest ones that we see will proceed to create even larger pyramids in the future.
This process will continue until a pyramid so large that it uses up all of the matter and energy in the Universe results, at which point it will collapse in upon itself and then explode outwards into a new Universe populated with Atomic-Scale Pyramids, which will then begin to build larger replicas of themselves again.
He further claims in an Appendix that this process has already occurred once, with Tetrahedra, and in the cycle after this one, Pentagonal Pyramids will result, then Hexagonal and so on. The ultimate and unreachable limit to this cycle of rebirth will be when the Universe is in fact one gigantic Cone.
It must be said that I am a little sceptical of this theory, particularly as his "photographic evidence" for smaller precursor builders of the current Pyramids looks awfully like piles of bricks with spades put next to them.
Not that I don't think your theory is any less than PURE GENIOUS, but I think you're off a bit. Here's the flaw in your theory ...
If the monkeys built them ... why are there people burried inside in stead of monkeys?
Here's what I think happened ... prepare to be amazed.
Pyramids were constructed as ... a practical joke!
You see, it's like crop circles. Which is why a lot of nutcases link pyramids to aliens. Aliens have nothing to do with pyramids btw because they thought it was childish. (But that's another story.) The first pyramid was constructed in all secrecy. And you can imagine the fun those first builders must have had! People woke up and suddenly there was this big ass pointy thing in their back yard. I'm not sure but I believe the term "pyramid" was invented by the Egyptian people to point out the pyromaniac midgets who wanted to burn down the first pyramids. Pyromids they called them. Later on this turned to pyramids because of lazy pronounciation.
But where was I ... ehm, right. So all of a sudden there's this pyramid and people were flaberghasted. At first they thought it was a big mystery and they invented all sorts of gods to attribute the building to. The first builders couldn't keep their secret of course and told a few friends. And so of course those friends wanted to play a joke on the Egyptian people too, and so a second pyramid was built. And a third, etc. The word that it was all "fake" got out quickly and building pyramids became a regular passtime, just like there are all kind of crop circle builders now who enjoy doing silly things like that in their spare time.
And that, is how pyramids came to be.
Unless I can find more proof for my other theory labeled "Pure coincidence".
Sit down, breathe. Take it all in ... and then see the light.
You're welcome.
Well, this is all taking a serious subject in a very casual manner. Clearly, yes, the pyramids were built by aliens or at least planned by aliens according to their design. More importanly who gained from the making of the pyramids? Not the dead kings really, because they were dead. It wasn't the slaves/monkeys/indentured servants either, because they didn't paid that much no matter how you look at it. No, it must have been the brick companies---yes, they got the most out of it. They sold...a lot of bricks. Even if the margin was 2% we are talking about a fortune. And you don't see a lot of pyramids for brick making company owners now do you? They know better and probably had homes up on the beach or maybe even vacationed with the aliens.
I've never seen that giant ape or mole in the same room, and I bet you can pick up a giant ape suit at Lidl - I think we're looking at a prehistoric master of disguise here...
The drawback to my 1970's tourist authority theory is that the condition of the bathrooms argues for a 4th Dynasty date.
I am inclined to think that nothing or no one ‘built’ the pyramids as it is abundantly clear from the archaeological record that pyramids are organic beings which evolved over time. We have the entire process of evolution laid out for us, from simple pits and elaborate mastabas for the more developed of the species, and then from stepped pyramids to true pyramids, which were easier protected from attack.
omg the aleins form glaxarbiroyutriballs are coming to get me!
=)
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