Xtreme Stonehenge Theories for the Slightly Insane

Planet Stonehenge at DawnDesperate to figure out before the Summer Solstice 2009 what Stonehenge is all about, but you can’t decide which theory – sacrifices, calendar, discotheque, burial site, religious temple, neolithic art – to go with? Don’t panic!Worth1000.com‘s finest Photoshop artists present us with a few alternative – but very plausible – theories about the iconic stone circle’s construction, use, location and present state. Which of the options below do you deem to be most likely? Take the poll, let us know!

Option 1: One Giant’s Game is Man’s Neolithic Monument

Most scientists claim humans started piling up earth, wood and rocks at the Stonehenge site 25,000 years ago. They could not be further from the truth. Stonehenge is a relic of Titans’ favourite pass-time: playing a friendly game of dominoes. It has stand ever since Cronus and Themis did not have the time gather their toys when Ouranos imprisoned the two brothers and their siblings deep within Earth. This makes Stonehenge almost as old as the Earth itself.

The recent discovery of perfectly round holes – shown in the image on the right – supports this theory that Stonehenge is actually leftovers from the first game ever played.

Since this discovery hit the news, the Stonehenge site is flooded with fans of the more classic games such as Risk, Magic the Gathering and Axis of Allies. Some even go as far as to sacrifice their PSPs, Playstation IIIs and Xboxes in the hope this will bring them luck in the games their favourite game.

Option 2: Stonehenge, a Symbol of Peace

It came to light that at the turn of the 20th century the famous engineer and father of Japanese archaeology William Gowland misplaced not just one of the giant stones, but almost the entire ancient monument. Early man did not mean for Stonehenge to be a calendar or sacred site, rather the neolithic monument was build as place for gathering and neolithic raves.

Originally constructed out of wooden pillars Stonehenge was a location to relax, celebrate peace and love and get high, far away from the social pressure caused by tribe culture. A reference to this early – wood-built – Stonehenge can be found in the more contemporary festival ‘Woodstock’. A less popular club nearby is still known as Woodhenge.

As festival organisation wasn’t as evolved back in those neolithic days – although they did upgrade the wooden construction to stones to minimise fire risk – no garbage collections were held. Also, quite a few neolithic ravers met their end due to the consumption of too many psychedelic mushrooms. This explains the skeletons and artefacts that can still be found around Stonehenge nowadays. But by the pagan gods, what a party this must have been!

Option 3: Product Placement Gone Bad

Stonehenge is nothing more than a very expensive ad campaign for McDonalds. Launched in the early nineties by marketing agency Neolithic, the campaign was a huge success. It’s budget was huge, yet nobody anticipated just how much it would influence humanity. Unexpected, Stonehenge began to be featured in history books and more and more people would vouch it to be real.

By the turn of the 21th century UNESCO and English Heritage requested that the European Union look into the Stonehenge craziness. Rumours go that the demand for enquiry was a result of good lobbying by the British Museum, after their proposal to move Stonehenge to London for ‘safeguarding’ the monument was rejected.

The European Commission ruled that the possession of Stonehenge gave McDonalds an unfair monopoly over ancient world monuments, and forced the company to remove it’s logo from the famous rock circle. All references to McDonalds in relation to Stonehenge were erased from the history books, and replaced by a chapter of product placement funded by the Christian Church titled ‘Creationism’. Very little proof of the construction or early branding is left, except for this photograph.

Option 4: They Come For Our henges!

Ever since the UK was warned about MI5 and the British royal family’s involvement in cover-ups of crop circle appearings and I saw the oddly-shaped hats worn to Ascott, I knew this true: Stonehenge is a landing pad for Unidentified Flying Objects.

Recently Iwas proven right, when CNNcameras captured a fleet of extraterrestial vehicles flying in formation over Stonehenge.

For those who refuse to acknowledge the truth, here’s a still from the special news broadcast on CNN. It reads: ‘They’re Here! Nerds across globe rejoice- rest of population in panic.’

Option 5:It’s Nothing But a Hoax

Yeah, we know. It has multiple entries on Wikipedia. Tons of photographs of Stonehenge can be found on Flickr (even in the Heritage Key Flickr Pool). You can visit the ancient stones on Google Earth. Amazon’s flooded by books about this neolithic monument. It’s featured on the English Heritage website and the BBCiPlayer mentions it often. You may see video of it on your iPhone and search for #stonehenge on Twitter. Yet Stonehenge is nothing but a giant hoax!

Better known as ‘Project 5t0|\|3h3|\|3’ to those few insiders that are in the know, all these listings mentioned above are crafted and posted to the internet by a few l33t whizkids, members of the hacker group ‘dRuudZ’.

Their motives? Income from ad clicks on all the Stonehenge websites the group hosts and a percentage on the sales of tourist trips to the area. You don’t believe me and are convinced bonsai kittens are grown in glass bottles? Don’t forget to click the Google ads below! 😉